Last week I talked about how to plan for all the things that there are to do during the holiday season. There’s plenty of those! And if that’s not enough, there’s also an awful lot of expectations floating around about how we’re supposed to feel.
It’s even in the language we use (I’m speaking for the U.S. since that’s my experience): Happy Holidays. Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas. Peace. We even get told how much noise to make—Silent Night. There are pictures on TV and social media of people being loving and cuddly. There’s an assumption that everyone has a family to go to, that everyone wants to go to their family, and that every family is welcoming. AND that when we get to that family, we will all have a good ol’ time and get along in our matching pj’s.
Yeah, right. That utopia exists in Hallmark movies but not most places. What feelings are realistic for the holidays? ALL OF THEM. It’s not like we enter some wormhole on Thanksgiving that takes us outside of being human beings until January 2nd. We’re just as human in December as we are any other time of year, and that includes having all of the thoughts, feelings, and reactions that are part of the human experience.
So what to do? Here are four things to try out this holiday season and beyond:
Shake off the Shoulds
I firmly believe that the word should does not belong anywhere near a feeling word. We are going to feel whatever we feel. Trying to squish our emotions just makes them come back stronger later or hang around longer. It’s okay to feel sad, frustrated, grief-stricken, bored, angry...even during the holidays. So try to take that should word out of your vocabulary.
Make Space
Emotions want to be heard. They’re like little messengers, and they will scream until we listen to them. The message might not be accurate, but it at least needs to be received. Giving yourself a little time to feel what you feel without shutting it down gives you access to that information. You can do this in a bathroom or in your car if you need to, or schedule 5 or 10 minutes a day to sit quietly and check in with yourself. Some people can hear their emotions more clearly through movement like dance or creative activities like writing or drawing. Whatever works for you, give yourself at least a tiny window of time a day to hang out with your emotions.
Share Selectively
If you decide you want to talk about your feelings with someone, pick wisely. We need listeners who can listen without trying to solve anything. Listeners who can keep things to themselves. Listeners who are worthy of our trust and vulnerability. We can also decide how much to share at any given time—it doesn’t have to be everything or all of our deepest, darkest secrets, even if the listener is asking for that. Find people who support and validate you.
Remember Feelings Are Fleeting
No feeling will last forever. That’s just not how they work. All emotions will run their course at some point. They might show up again later, but even then they might be a different intensity and flavor. Whatever you are feeling now, if you can ride it out like a wave without doing anything harmful, you will survive it. These waves can feel overwhelming sometimes. But remember, you have survived every single emotion you’ve ever had in your entire life to this day!
And there you have it. Your permission slip to feel what you feel, no matter what the ads say. Stay tuned for next week’s tips and check out the previous weeks’ posts if you missed any. Also, if you haven’t picked up your free copy of the Chronic Comebacks: Answers to Nosy Questions that spoonies often get asked, you can do that right here. Until next time, stay sweet to your spoonie selves!
