Hey there Spoonie! Well, we made it through 2019. Well done indeed.
What’s that? After reading that line, your mind is already prepping a PowerPoint presentation of all the blunders and times you put your foot in your mouth and missed an opportunity, etc., etc., etc.?
And how did I know that? Because that’s what minds like to do. They’re really worried about our survival, so they are in constant worst-case scenario/training-for-the-end-of-the-world mode. To a survival-focused mind, things like fun and pleasure aren’t important, so they easily get glossed over or sometimes even fall right out of our minds.
This mental bias creates problems in other ways too. Here are three of them that can really grind down our self-compassion.
Myth One: If I’m struggling, it must be because there’s something wrong with me or because I’m a bad person.
This one packs such a punch! We’re already in pain, then our mind tells us that it’s all our own damm fault that we’re in pain in the first place. Now we all make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes lead to painful consequences, but that’s different. This is more about when we believe that our pain says something about who we are as people.
We can blame the just-world hypothesis for this one. It has infiltrated American culture (and likely some others). The just-world hypothesis states that good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to bad people. Nice and tidy. And a myth. This belief is a mental effort to pretend that the world is predictable and to give us a false sense of control. It’s scary to think that sometimes bad stuff just happens and there’s nothing we can do about it….but at the same time, acknowledging that reality frees us from self-blame and shame.
(As a side note, the just-world hypothesis also drives a lot of victim-blaming and that unsolicited advice we spoonies get from other people. They are trying to maintain their belief that as long as they run and eat kale and do yoga, that nothing bad can happen to their health. In other words, they are avoiding acknowledging the reality that sometimes bodies get sick and there’s nothing they can do about it.)
Myth Two: Once I lose weight/make more money/graduate/find a partner/etc., I’ll love myself.
Well, wouldn’t that be lovely, if that was all it took? Sorry to smash your dreams, but this isn’t how self-compassion and befriending ourselves works. If we “better ourselves” from a place of distain and self-loathing, even if we accomplish whatever goal we set, we’ll still be full of distain and self-loathing, just maybe in a different cubicle or different clothes.
Contrary to many romantic comedies (and that sneaky just-world hypothesis again!), we don’t have to earn love. From anyone. Including ourselves. We are already worthy of love just being born on this planet. See if you can shift to making your self-compassion unconditional. I know you have compassion in you….for baby animals, for your friends, for the planet. You have the capacity, you just need better aim.
Myth Three: Everyone else has their shit together, so there must be something really wrong with me because I don’t.
I have spent about 20 years as a helper in various forms listening to clients’ deepest, darkest secrets and shame. I can promise you that NO ONE has their shit together. No matter how polished they may look on the outside, no matter how successful in their craft or work, no matter how popular. Everyone carries their own pain. Their own worries. Their own inadequacies and fears of being an imposter. Their own less-than-helpful behaviors. Everyone.
We just don’t talk about it. That’s changing a little these days, but it’s still more common to hide problems or to hand-pick a few minor ones to polish into “authentic” and “vulnerable” Instagram posts.
Anyone who looks like they have their shit together is either dropping some balls in a less visible part of their lives or has someone else juggling some things for them. No one can do it all perfectly, especially not in this complex day and age.
As a spoonie, our struggles and lack of capacity are often more apparent to ourselves and to others than for non-spoonies, so it can feel like we’re the only ones. I assure you, we aren’t.
It’s hard to shift away from these myths sometimes. I appreciate you giving me a few minutes of open-minded curiosity. And I invite you to watch this week to see how these myths show up in your own life. Watch how they get played out in media and conversations. The first step to any change is awareness. The other steps? Well, I can help with those. Stay tuned.
Until next week, stay sweet to your spoonie selves!
