It sounds great to say “treat yourself like you would your best friend” and “love yourself!” Sayings like that look awesome on journals and Instagram posts. They never say much about how to do it or what self-compassion would look like, though!
All month I’ve been talking about self-compassion and ways to be kinder to yourself. Why? I think it’s key…key to finding ways to live with chronic illness, key to finding the courage to use our creative gifts, key to being able to connect with others. (If you’ve missed the other posts, check them out here.)
Although self-compassion is really important, we don’t get taught much about it. So we end up with misguided beliefs like these that can get in our way.
Misguided Belief #1: Self-compassion has to be earned.
We have to earn a lot of things in this world. We work for money, to do laundry, to learn things, to get from one place to another. In the world outside of us, we have to expend effort to get something.
That rule doesn’t apply as well to the world inside of us. We don’t actually have to earn self-compassion. We can find kindness towards ourselves no matter what we are doing or not doing, because self-compassion is more about being than doing. Just by existing, we are worthy of self-compassion. Try that idea on for size.
Misguided Belief #2: Sure, I can be compassionate to myself, but only when things are going well.
This ties in a little with the earning self-compassion thing….it can feel easier to be kind to ourselves when we’re in a good mood and life is rolling along smoothly. However, we need self-compassion most when we are in pain. And especially when we make a mistake or a creative project isn’t going the way we want it to.
What would this look like? It looks like not trying to deny or squish feelings. Instead, we can acknowledge that we’re hurting. Acknowledge that this is a tough time. Then we can offer ourselves some comfort and soothing. This soothing could be as simple as a long exhale, placing your hand gently on the place where you feel the pain, saying some kind words, or gently rocking. Or it could be more elaborate—time outside, reading a book, a day off, or cuddling with pets.
Misguided Belief #3: I can still be compassionate to other people if I don’t have compassion for myself.
We think we can do this. We think that we can be so special, that we can live outside the world. The truth is, the less compassion we have for ourselves, the less true compassion we can have for others. Sure, we can feel deeply for other people, maybe even feel their pain, but that’s empathy. If we don’t have self-compassion for ourselves as messy human beings, at some point our compassion for others will flip into judgment—usually around the same areas where we judge ourselves.
Compassion of any kind requires remembering that we are all made of the same imperfect human stuff. It’s about finding commonalities rather than separation. At the core, we tend to have the same struggles, the same pains, the same longings. So compassion is about remembering that the person in front of you is likely more similar to you than different—and that you are no less a part of the human family than anyone else. That writer you admire who seems like a fountain of brilliance? They probably have days when their mind goes blank or they’re terrified to have anyone read what they wrote too, just like you.
There’s an exercise that can help with this. It’s often referred to as the Just Like Me meditation. From time to time throughout your day, when you see other people, think to yourself “Just like me, they….” (you can insert any kind of emotion, struggle, longing, hope, etc. here). So in a traffic jam, you could tell yourself, “Just like me, they want to get home safely.” This practice can be especially helpful when you’re getting annoyed or falling into a us versus them mentality.
So chew on these ideas this week. See if there are ways you can implement some of them into your day. And, of course, be merciful to yourselves in the process! Until next week, be sweet to your spoonie selves.
(Oh, and if you decide you’d like some personalized help befriending yourself and doing more of what you want to do, I am taking on new coaching clients right now. Learn more here.)
