Since my mother’s birthday was this week, I have been thinking about her a lot. She died several years ago. I can only imagine how much more she would have done if she had lived longer. Here are just some of the things my mother did in her lifetime:
Earned a bachelor’s degree in Domestic Science.
Won a Betty Crocker award.
Was a recipe editor for Redbook magazine.
Interned for a senator (then told him off when she found out that he’d offered her a job at a much lower salary than he’d offered to her fellow intern—a male.)
Interned at Jet magazine (as a white woman in the 1960’s, still not sure how she got that position, but she loved it there).
Was a journalist for small local papers.
Started and ran a small local paper while raising an infant (me).
Did contact work for a yearbook publishing company, having layout jobs sent to our house and working on them at night.
Founded and ran a massive yearly garage sale that earned thousands in a day—due in part to her sales and display skills.
Coached Odyssey of the Mind teams (a creativity competition)
Became a substitute teacher.
Went back to school for her master’s in education.
Won Beginning Teacher of the Year at age 48.
Coached numerous Academic Decathlon teams to win championships.
Why This Matters to You
That’s all nice and stuff, but how does my mom’s resume affect you?
It doesn’t. But your caregivers’ resume might.
We grow up in all kinds of environments. You might have heard people talk about not knowing what a healthy marriage looks like since their parents didn’t have one. That goes for our dreams as well! If we don’t have a model for what’s possible, our dreams might be tiny. (Not that there’s anything wrong with tiny dreams! They can be really achievable and satisfying.)
Here are three types of models we might have for careers and dreams:
Type One: The Nope.
Oh the Nope. Comes in so many forms. There can be the Nope of “our situation’s always been terrible and always will be terrible and nothing you can do will change that so don’t even try.” There can be the Nope of “we succeeded, but you can’t because you’re too _______.” And then there’s the Nope of “yeah, it’s nice that you want to be ____, but forget about it because you’re going to do ______ like we need you to/the family’s always done/we’re all counting on you to do.”
We can come out of the Nope feeling like our future is predetermined and there’s not much we can do about it besides climb on the hamster wheel and squish down our dreams. Another reaction to the Nope is to burst out into premature, impulsive action in an act of rebellion, which can also lead to our dreams getting squished because they didn’t have the foundation they needed.
What to do if you grew up in the Nope? Start looking around for models of Yep. Look for people who did something like what you want to do, and see if they’d be willing to talk to you about how. Seek out autobiographies, biographies, and documentaries if you can’t talk to someone in person. And make a list of all the things that you HAVE been able to do, no matter how small. That list can help counter the helplessness of the Nope.
Type Two: The Pressure and The Projector.
So the Nope tells you what you can’t do. The Pressure and the Projector tell you what they think you can do, although it might not be attached to reality. And it can fit just as poorly as the Nope.
The Pressure is an environment where everyone’s hopes are pinned on you. Think of a certain hologram message projected by a certain droid here. They’re hyping you up. They’re throwing all their resources towards you. And it’s very clear what they want you to do. But what if you don’t want to do that thing? Or you do it anyway, grieving your dreams along the way? Or you’re not actually even able to do the thing because of your skills or the odds being so stacked against you?
The Projector is similar, but with the even more emotional entanglement that the goal pushed onto you is someone else’s that they wish they could have done. Think a parent who really wants their child to be student council president or quarterback. Then if you fail, they feel like they fail. If you reject the goal, they feel rejected. Not fun.
When you’re dealing with the Pressure and the Projector and you want to follow a different dream, you’ve got to get ready to hold space for their disappointment. It’s not going to be fun. And you might have to carefully calculate when you tell them, especially if your financial, emotional, or other safety might be at risk if you do. Even before you tell them, remember that you can dream your dreams and prepare for them internally until you can do it externally, whether that’s researching things, developing ideas, or meeting people in that field. Once you do take the leap, remember that you’re the one who’s got to be in your life 24/7, so you might as well make sure it’s one that you like.
Type Three: The Entrepreneur.
I call this the Entrepreneur, but it doesn’t have to be about business. This is anyone who looks for opportunity and takes action. It could be home improvements, extreme couponing, or trying new things. This can be an exciting environment, but also a little scary depending on how extreme the experiments (and how stable the finances) are. In this environment, there’s often a message that no challenge is too big and all problems have some kind of solution if you just work hard enough and get creative enough.
Spending a lot of time in an Entrepreneur environment can lead to either the desire to flee into something that seems stable and predictable (marriage, tenure-track, aiming for the gold watch after 40 years with the same company, etc.) or following the same adventurous path. Since the flip side of the idea that all problems can be solved is the idea that if something fails it’s your fault, it’s important to watch out for a tendency to take on all the blame for everything, even things that you could never control. Look for opportunities that are in line with what’s important to you and what you want to bring into the world. That can help reduce the risk of burnout, which is another danger for Entrepreneurs.
Hopefully you now have a better idea of how to build on the strengths and defuse the challenges from the models you’ve had in your life as far as creativity and pursuing your dreams goes! Like with any kind of personal work, have some mercy on yourself as you reflect on how your past affects how you approach your future.
If you’re full of ideas and would like some help figuring out which dream to start with, grab your free copy of the Get Focused and Make Cool Stuff workbook. You can use it again and again to get clarity so you can do more cool stuff. That’s it for this week—stay sweet to your weird selves!
