So you’ve decided to (or been forced to) do the kind and socially responsible thing and stay at home while COVID-19 rolls up into your area. Thank you for helping slow the spread and flatten that curve so our hospitals and other resources can try to keep up with the demands on them!
But now what? After that glow of doing your part to save humanity wears off, what on earth do you do with these days and/or week ahead? How do you emotionally and mentally get through it?
I’m going to share with you everything I’ve learned from my experiences as 1) someone who works at home; 2) a hard-core introvert; 3) someone living with multiple chronic illnesses; and 4) a licensed clinical psychologist.
But before I do, just a quick note to my fellow spoonies….you got this. We’ve been training for this since we were diagnosed. We’re great at grieving plans we had to cancel, at entertaining ourselves while stuck in bed or on the couch, at collecting pj’s and comfy clothes, at thinking five steps ahead about the effects of any activity that we do. And now the rest of the world is experiencing what we live daily. It’s okay to be frustrated at employers who can now suddenly allow everyone to work at home when you’ve been begging to do so for years. It’s okay to feel frustrated by healthy people who complain about having to live the way we spoonies do all the time.
Spoonies, it’s also okay to be a little excited that the rest of the world just showed up in our living room! Now there are so many things that we CAN go to, since they’re being held virtually. You might get time to chat with friends who were too busy before or go to a workshop or meeting that you usually have to miss because your body isn’t cooperating. There’s a lot that has become accessible.
There’s also a lot of unknown that has become scary for all of us. I’m not denying or trying to gloss over the fears about lost income, about illness, about if we’ll be able to get our needs met. It’s really tough right now, especially for anyone who had insecure housing and finances to start with.
What I wanted to do today is just offer what I can on the nitty-gritty of navigating this time at home for those who are privileged enough to do so, with the aim of helping them stay in a good position to continue to help others both during and after this pandemic. You might notice that I’m not giving a lot of tips about being at home with kids--I’m not an expert in that area, and there are lots of good posts already written on that.
All that said, let’s go onward!
Time
Time gets slippery when you’re at home all day. The daylight savings time change didn’t help with that at all, I know. So having some way to mark the passage of time helps. If your home doesn’t get much daylight, turn on lamps to make it brighter during the day (if your eyes are ok with that) and then dim them around sunset time. Set alarms for things you need to do at scheduled times, like meds, meetings, phone calls, taking the dog out, so that you don’t miss them. Pick a standard time to wake up and go to sleep, if you’re able, to give your body clock a rhythm. Try to brush your teeth twice daily, change your clothes, and bathe at least 50% of your usual amount. It’ll help.
You can give your day a rhythm with chunking tasks---scheduling blocks of time where you’ll work on a certain kind of activity. If you went to school, this’ll feel familiar, like changing classes. Chunking makes us more efficient and gives us a better chance of feeling accomplished. You can even have chunks of time for scrolling social media and checking the news. Just make sure you also have a chunk or two for something pleasant and recharging! (Like 8:30-9:00 pm: cuddle with my critters)
Space
This is a huge deal, especially if you live with other people. If you can, sit down together soon and discuss how you’re going to share space during this time. Remember that closets, patios/balconies, bathtubs/showers, and cars also count as potential space. In an ideal world, each person would have a room with a door they can close when needed. That may not be your situation, so you can get creative in finding personal space and signalling when you need to be in your own bubble.
Check in with others before you start something that is going to take over a certain space for a long time, like if you’re cooking a complicated dish or going to be in the bathroom for a while. This gives them a chance to grab a snack really quickly before you don your chef’s coat without getting in your way, or have a fast pee so they’re not pounding down the bathroom door later. Space is a resource.
(Bandwidth is a resource too, so if you’re having connection issues with your video meetings, see if there are any devices that you can disconnect from the internet for a little while, like a tablet no one is using. The same goes for outlets—think about if you really need to use all of them and be willing to share!)
Space Applies to the Senses Too
Sound
Agree to be mindful of media volume, ringtones, phone conversations, and other noises. Ask before playing something aloud or doing a noisy activity—blending smoothies, using power tools, organizing the pots and pans.
If you need something to block out the sounds around you, check out mynoise. It is a truly elaborate labor of love by someone who really knows sound. The free version has many options, and more open up after a small donation. There are some that counteract tinnitus, some designed to block out human speech, and many that just create a realistic environment. Stuck at home but you want to be on a train during a rainstorm? You can do that. Reading a book set on the Irish coast? There’s a soundscape for that. Great for writing, gaming, sleeping, you name it.
We therapists also know the power of a good sound machine. Put it outside a door to make a wall of sound between you and whatever is on the other side, or use it for sleep. This one isn’t fancy but it has served probably thousands of therapists for decades. The button is pretty big, and you just turn the top of the machine to adjust the volume.
Vision
Check in with others about the visual environment. This could be things like lighting, where to put stuff, or moving screens where you can/can’t see them (especially if they’re flashing or flickering).
I’ve been on retreats where we observed something called “noble silence” during certain periods. We didn’t talk, and we also didn’t make eye contact or exchange any gestures. It’s a way to feel like you have some solitude even in the midst of other people. Your household might set aside some times for noble silence. (Of course, if you need to see each other, like for sign language, then skip this one.)
Smell
We often forget how powerful smells can be. Since they can linger for a long time, it’s courteous to ask if everyone is okay with you doing a thing that has a strong smell. Cooked foods like fish, curries, cabbage, and onion are delicious and also quite fragrant. Same goes for body care products, essential oils, candles, and anything else scented.
Since many spoonies are sensitive to fragrance, I know many of us avoid those products when we can. But if the only disinfecting wipes you could find came in super-duper-sunshine-flower-fields scent, you might consider finding some activated charcoal bags. They absorb scents without adding any fragrance, absorb moisture in rooms like bathrooms, and they’re reusable. Just recharge in sunlight. I have one in my car. They’re also great when you’ve bought something new or gotten new paint or carpet—the chemical smells get absorbed pretty quickly. There are little ones you can stick in your shoes so they’re dry and fresh. My favorites are these.
Activity Zones
If you’re used to going to a workplace or places like gyms/physical therapy, restaurants, and parks, being at home is an adjustment. See if you can designate certain places in your home for certain activities. You might need a work zone, a relaxing zone, a sleep zone, a quiet zone, a socializing zone, an outside zone (balcony/patio/backyard/porch), a creativity and play zone, an exercise zone…whatever fits your usual activities. The shift from work mode to home mode is often the hardest. When I was in college, I had a really small room, so I would lie with my head towards the end of the bed to read my textbooks. To signal to myself that I was out of work mode, I would lie down with my head towards the head of the bed. So your zones can be as simple as that—moving from one end of the couch to the other, changing from one playlist to another, anything to signal that you’re changing modes.
Make an agreement with the other people in your household about how to signal that you’re in a certain mode. For example, you might decide that if someone is wearing headphones/earbuds, you will text them if you need to tell them something rather than risk startling or interrupting them. Or telling each other “I’m going to work now!” and “I’m home from work now” can make that shift clear.
Here’s a note about interruptions: Some studies suggest that it takes about 10 minutes to get back into the groove after being interrupted. If you’re neurodivergent (ADHD, on the autism spectrum, TBI, etc.), it could be even longer—if you even get back to what you were doing at all. Interruptions are okay in small doses or in emergencies, but they get really annoying in bulk. And everyone being at home together makes for lots of potential interruptions. So save yourselves some future irritation and make a deal to follow signals and other steps to minimize interruptions.
Staying Connected
I’m a more introverted spoonie—I need lots of alone time to recharge. I do also love people, especially the wonderful weird ones I know. And all of a sudden, they’re more available! My social media conversations are lively, there are lots of new posts on my feed, I’m getting more texts and video chats. It feels very social and connected to me because I’ve been at home dealing with flares for a while.
BUT not everyone is wired this way! Not everyone feels more connected right now—you might be one of the many who are feeling sad and lonely and cut off from the world. Which is understandable. It doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you. It DOES mean that you are going to need to make sure that you find ways to meet your need for connection and socializing. Thankfully, there are lots of ways to do this in this magical modern age.
First, please do not put all the burden of meeting your social needs on your household. That’s a recipe for someone to get grumpy at some point. You might start feeling resentful if they can’t meet your needs, and they might start feeling irritable if their need for solitude is greater than yours.
And, hey, did you know that you likely have access to lots of people even from home? You can call, text, chat, video call, play games with people who are anywhere in the world that has a connection and the right device. Reach out to people outside the house, try a live online class, stuff like that. Set up a group video call and hang out (Pro tip for conference calls and group video chats: Ask everyone to mute their microphone unless they’re talking—it cuts down on a lot of chaos, especially in big groups!) Some options for connecting include Facebook Messenger video calls, Google Hangouts, Zoom (there’s a free version that has limits, but if one of you gets the $14.99/month version, they can set up the call and then you’ll be able to have up to 100 people on a call and do calls as long as 24 hours. I seriously have a friend whose daughter just had a Zoom sleepover with her friends, all in their separate houses, and they watched the sunrise together over video chat.), and Kast works for watch parties and gaming. Slack and Discord are good for ongoing text chat, Voxer lets you send text messages as well as audio messages…there are lots of options now.
Online games can keep us connected too, sometimes in a more chill way. I play Words with Friends, and even though I’m not talking directly to the other player, I still feel that there’s someone there each day when I see the word they’ve played (I play under the name wonderingnow if you’d like to join me for a game). Of course, there’s the wide world of more complex games like Fortnite or World of Warcraft to enjoy, which you might already do. Sharing an activity and an experience with others doesn’t have to disappear even though we’re in separate places.
Expand Your World
Tired of the same four walls? Time to take a trip! No, please, no, don’t leave your home! You can take so many trips from your couch now. Hop on Google Earth and see places you’d like to go or locations from the book you’re reading. Want to go to an art museum with no crowds and without aching feet? Ever wanted to take a class at an Ivy League university? For free? Now’s your chance. Or pick a topic or craft you’d always wanted to learn about and deep dive into the internet.
Check out your local library as well—they often have free ebooks, audiobooks, and videos available online even when they are closed. You can even request that they purchase a title that you want (although it might take a little while).
It’s also okay if you don’t come out of this pandemic having learned three new languages and mastered the art of mosaic! These are just options for when your mind and body get antsy.
Movement Matters
If you’re usually out and about during the day, being home is going to mean that you move around less than you might otherwise. Find some ways to move, even if it’s taking the long way around from room to room or pacing while on the phone. I keep a tennis ball under my desk so I can roll my foot on it. If you’re seated, see what you can wiggle from time to time. I’m also totally in love with Joyn, which has workouts led by instructors with all kinds of bodies and genders. They usually include options for doing the workout in a chair and at lower impact. Joyn has some free workouts to try here.
Plan for the Worst, Hope for the Best
This is a less cheerful note, but I think a necessary one, because I’ve seen personally what can happen if this stuff isn’t discussed ahead of time. Talk to the people close to you about what medical treatment, if any, you would want if you couldn’t speak for yourself and your prognosis was bad. Write it down. Get a will, even if you don’t own much (in many states, not having a will means more expense, time, and headache for those who are dealing with settling your affairs). Make sure multiple people who are close to you know your wishes and have written authority to carry them out. I’m not just saying this because of COVID-19. It’s good to have anyway.
In the US, the Funeral Consumers Alliance has branches in each state and are a great resource. Every year they survey all the funeral homes in the local area and put together a price sheet to help the public make informed decisions. They also often have information on home funerals and green burial. Here’s the Texas page with a list of forms, including forms to designate who is in charge of your body (this can be especially important for people who are estranged from their family who would rather have a partner or friend take charge). Check with your own state’s laws and regulations, of course!
Support Others
Turning our gaze outwards, there are lots of people who could use support right now. If you have a favorite restaurant, hairstylist, massage therapist, store, or other small business, and you have the means, buying gift cards gives them the cash they need now and gives you a fun celebration later once we’re through the storm.
Even if your budget is tight, you can still help others. Calling/texting to check in on people in self-isolation or quarantine is one way. Writing reviews of the products, books, music, businesses, and service providers you like is another. Reviews go a long way, especially for small businesses and lesser-known artists. Or send them a note about how much you like their work and what it means to you—emotional support matters too, especially during tough times.
Remember Your Why
Right now is a lot. A whole lot. During stressful times, we naturally want to reach for our habits and comfort. If those things are outside your house, this time is going to be extra tough.
Keep coming back to why. You’re staying home because you want to take care of yourself and those around you. You’re staying home because one person really can make a difference in slowing the spread of this virus. You’re staying home because a little inconvenience and discomfort now can mean more of us get to live to enjoy good times later.
Home can be confining or cozy. This time can feel like a waste or an opportunity. We can meet this with frustration or patience.
I hope that these tips are helpful to you and yours. There’s more to read at www.drjoeckler.com if you get bored! Oh, and if you want to listen to me talk for a while, the audiobook of I Can’t Fix You—Because You’re Not Broken: The Eight Keys to Freeing Yourself From Painful Thoughts and Feelings is out now on iTunes, Google Play Books, Kobo, Chirp, and Scrib—and more places to come, including Audible in a few weeks.
As always, be sweet to your weird selves!
Much love,
Dr. Jo
Please note that there are some affiliate links in this post. They cost you nothing, and I may receive a small percentage of sales if you decide to make a purchase, which helps support me in my work to help spoonies and weird people do more cool stuff. I only recommend things that I personally use and adore, promise.
