As a spoonie, there’s a lot to ask for and a lot to say no to. It took me years to get really comfortable advocating for myself, especially at work and in medical settings. Cats are naturally great at boundaries, but humans not as much. Thought I’d save you some time and share a structure that has been helpful for me. If your mind is like mine and gets scrambly when you are actually in front of the person/people, then practice it ahead of time and bring along your talking points so you can stay on track.
1. What’s going on?
In a few sentences, talk about the situation in question as objectively as you can. “It’s been four weeks since I had the MRI, and I have not heard any results yet.” “I am dealing with some health issues.”
2. What are your thoughts/feelings about it?
Here’s where you say how it is affecting you. “I feel stuck because I do not know how to proceed until I have the MRI results.” “These health issues are making it difficult to sit for long periods of time.”
3. What do you want to happen/stop happening?
Now that you set the stage, clearly state what it is you want. “I would appreciate it if you could please ask the doctor to contact me about the results.” “It would be very helpful if I could be given a standing desk and be allowed to stand and walk around during meetings.”
4. What are the consequences if this happens/doesn’t happen?
Consequences have to be something that you’re willing and able to follow through on. They can’t be vague threats. In the first example, the consequence might be “If I do not hear back about these results in one week, I will ask to speak to the medical director.” However, consequences don’t always have to be negative! In the second example, a consequence could be “This would allow me to focus more on my work and be more productive.”
Tips
If someone tries to pull you into the past by bringing up other situations, try to stick to your talking points and this one current situation. You might have to keep repeating (in various forms) something like, “I know these things you’re mentioning are important, and I’ll be happy to address them one at at time. Right now I’d appreciate it if we can get back to this situation and work through it first.”
There you have it--again, this takes practice. With practice comes confidence. You got this!
Who am I? I’m Dr. Jo Eckler, a licensed clinical psychologist and chronic illness coach who loves helping professionals with invisible chronic illnesses befriend themselves, do the things, and love their lives. Want to learn about your spoonie superpower and get personalized suggestions? Take the chronic illness coping style quiz here.
